When Frida traveled to Europe with Diego Rivera
she was introduced to Pablo Picasso,
who gave her a pair of gold earrings
in the shape of dangling hands as a gift,
which she later painted herself wearing.
If I had been that pair of hand earrings hanging
in Frida's ears I would have whispered to her,
"I'm sorry that everything hurts so much,
and I'm sorry that you don't feel beautiful.
If I could, I would be your lost leg."
Sunday, November 30, 2008
11/30/08 What can I say?
Hurtful and insensitive
things, apparently.
Ignorant and ridiculous,
sure.
Embarrassing, well
I wouldn't have
it any other way.
And always
not the right thing,
okay,
I get it.
things, apparently.
Ignorant and ridiculous,
sure.
Embarrassing, well
I wouldn't have
it any other way.
And always
not the right thing,
okay,
I get it.
11/28/08 Kitten-Sized Pile of Shit
Why, just the other day
or perhaps it was this morning
I stepped in a kitten-sized
pile of shit with my bare foot
and damned if it wasn't
still warm.
or perhaps it was this morning
I stepped in a kitten-sized
pile of shit with my bare foot
and damned if it wasn't
still warm.
Friday, November 28, 2008
11/27/08 Cat Rat
It's odd,
but when my cat
does the right thing
(like sleep)
he looks so much
like a cat.
And I think,
cat people like myself
are so clever
to choose to share
their space
with such lovely animals.
But then,
when he does
the wrong thing
(like destroy shit)
he looks
exactly like
a giant rat.
And then I think,
well, I shouldn't be surprised
that my stuff is all wrecked
since I live with a gigantic rat.
but when my cat
does the right thing
(like sleep)
he looks so much
like a cat.
And I think,
cat people like myself
are so clever
to choose to share
their space
with such lovely animals.
But then,
when he does
the wrong thing
(like destroy shit)
he looks
exactly like
a giant rat.
And then I think,
well, I shouldn't be surprised
that my stuff is all wrecked
since I live with a gigantic rat.
11/26/08 Invitation
I was wondering if you wanted to come over
and watch a movie or play cards or something
some night after the kids have gone to bed.
That's the time I would normally be drinking
and cleaning the house, or sitting at the computer,
or smoking or reading on the way to bed.
I wish I lived on a warm beach, and after dark
I could go out and walk along the water,
or lay in a hammock and listen to the waves.
I wish that I could wake up every morning
feeling really energized and rested and ready
for another fantastic day of my life.
Anyway, maybe like some scrabble or something?
and watch a movie or play cards or something
some night after the kids have gone to bed.
That's the time I would normally be drinking
and cleaning the house, or sitting at the computer,
or smoking or reading on the way to bed.
I wish I lived on a warm beach, and after dark
I could go out and walk along the water,
or lay in a hammock and listen to the waves.
I wish that I could wake up every morning
feeling really energized and rested and ready
for another fantastic day of my life.
Anyway, maybe like some scrabble or something?
11/25/08 365
365 days approaches slowly
as I enter the home stretch,
and it only now occurs to me
that 365 days mean one year.
I've spent one whole year
watching myself say the same things,
react over and over in the same ways,
and continue to tell myself
that this is passing.
This is hard times that I am working out.
This is a brief and painful healing process.
Only I haven't gotten very far, have I?
as I enter the home stretch,
and it only now occurs to me
that 365 days mean one year.
I've spent one whole year
watching myself say the same things,
react over and over in the same ways,
and continue to tell myself
that this is passing.
This is hard times that I am working out.
This is a brief and painful healing process.
Only I haven't gotten very far, have I?
11/24/08 Working vs. Eating Out
Too windy for a walk.
Pizza Hut.
Working out: 0
Eating out: 1
Thought about a ymca membership,
but am so afraid of commitment
(and locker rooms).
Space Aliens.
Working out: 0
Eating out: 2
Got ass kicked by a migraine for 2 days.
Taco Bell.
Working out: 0
Eating out: 3
Pizza Hut.
Working out: 0
Eating out: 1
Thought about a ymca membership,
but am so afraid of commitment
(and locker rooms).
Space Aliens.
Working out: 0
Eating out: 2
Got ass kicked by a migraine for 2 days.
Taco Bell.
Working out: 0
Eating out: 3
11/23/08 Sing a Song
Sing a song of six shirts
I bought at TJMaxx.
Four and twenty hours after
I bought new lipstick.
Made a date with Tracy
to be my haircut buddy.
Now wasn't that a dainty day
of image-related purchases.
I bought at TJMaxx.
Four and twenty hours after
I bought new lipstick.
Made a date with Tracy
to be my haircut buddy.
Now wasn't that a dainty day
of image-related purchases.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
11/21/08 I Will Whisper
Everything is so loud
that everybody has to
try not to listen.
So
I will whisper,
and then
maybe
you will
really have
to try
to hear me.
I can only hope
you'll want
to hear me
enough
to try.
that everybody has to
try not to listen.
So
I will whisper,
and then
maybe
you will
really have
to try
to hear me.
I can only hope
you'll want
to hear me
enough
to try.
11/20/08 Junk in the Box
When did people start sending
garbage through the mail?
Stop sending me garbage.
Normal people can't just send garbage
through the mail.
Who's sending all this garbage?
I am already responsible for more
garbage than I can realistically deal with,
and every single day I come back
from the mailbox with a huge handful
of garbage and it goes right directly
into the overflowing recycling pile and
I am so sick of it.
I am so sick of it.
I can not be responsible for this.
So stop sending me garbage.
garbage through the mail?
Stop sending me garbage.
Normal people can't just send garbage
through the mail.
Who's sending all this garbage?
I am already responsible for more
garbage than I can realistically deal with,
and every single day I come back
from the mailbox with a huge handful
of garbage and it goes right directly
into the overflowing recycling pile and
I am so sick of it.
I am so sick of it.
I can not be responsible for this.
So stop sending me garbage.
Friday, November 21, 2008
11/19/08 Cats and More Cats
Jesus Christ,
how many cats
live in this house?
Two?
Two cats?
Is that all?
Sometimes it feels like there are 10 or 11.
Jesus Christ,
how many kids
live in this house?
Two?
Two kids?
You've got to be kidding me.
Jesus Christ,
how many people
live inside of my head?
Two?
Three?
Is that all?
I'd be damned if there weren't a dozen.
I think they're playing bingo.
how many cats
live in this house?
Two?
Two cats?
Is that all?
Sometimes it feels like there are 10 or 11.
Jesus Christ,
how many kids
live in this house?
Two?
Two kids?
You've got to be kidding me.
Jesus Christ,
how many people
live inside of my head?
Two?
Three?
Is that all?
I'd be damned if there weren't a dozen.
I think they're playing bingo.
11/18/08 Cowboys
I will not incriminate myself
with the details,
but today I actually
used my Louis Lamoure
novel reading as a reference
to find a common place
between myself
and a cowboy
and a two-step.
None of the three of us
were impressed.
with the details,
but today I actually
used my Louis Lamoure
novel reading as a reference
to find a common place
between myself
and a cowboy
and a two-step.
None of the three of us
were impressed.
11/17/08 Big Fear Time
Okay, big fear time.
Guess I've been wondering what it was
about the incoherent elderly the other day
that's still bugging me.
Life is really hard for me.
And for all of us probably, which brings me
to the thing.
The big fear time
for me is that someday all of this struggling,
self-improvement, education, parenting, work experience,
interpersonal drama, soul searching and resume building
will end up with me drooling in a padded chair.
And people being scared of me
because I'm old and useless and impossible
to figure out.
Guess I've been wondering what it was
about the incoherent elderly the other day
that's still bugging me.
Life is really hard for me.
And for all of us probably, which brings me
to the thing.
The big fear time
for me is that someday all of this struggling,
self-improvement, education, parenting, work experience,
interpersonal drama, soul searching and resume building
will end up with me drooling in a padded chair.
And people being scared of me
because I'm old and useless and impossible
to figure out.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
11/16/08 School Arguments
If he said, "I don't want to go to school,"
I'd say, "Sorry. You have to."
If he said, "I'm too tired to get up,"
I'd say, "Me, too. Guess we need to get to bed earlier."
If he said, "I hate school,"
I'd say, "I am very sorry to hear that."
But what if he says,
"School feels like torture.
They make us sit still all the time, all day long.
That's not what kids are supposed to do.
Kids need to be free."
I wonder what I would say then.
I'd say, "Sorry. You have to."
If he said, "I'm too tired to get up,"
I'd say, "Me, too. Guess we need to get to bed earlier."
If he said, "I hate school,"
I'd say, "I am very sorry to hear that."
But what if he says,
"School feels like torture.
They make us sit still all the time, all day long.
That's not what kids are supposed to do.
Kids need to be free."
I wonder what I would say then.
11/15/08 Pinecone Turkeys
Twenty-five random children visited twenty-five random residents
of the nursing home on the hill overlooking the cemetery.
There was a volunteer playing the accordion somewhere nearby.
There was a cat in a cage in the corner.
Each child was given white glue and all the pieces of a pinecone turkey,
which were to be assembled in the presence of one elderly person.
Once completed, each pinecone turkey was left as a thanksgiving gift
for each elderly person, except for the one that was assembled by Hanna.
Staff found and delivered Hanna's great-aunt Florence, who took the place
of her previous partner and who got to keep Hanna's pinecone turkey.
It was a magical day.
of the nursing home on the hill overlooking the cemetery.
There was a volunteer playing the accordion somewhere nearby.
There was a cat in a cage in the corner.
Each child was given white glue and all the pieces of a pinecone turkey,
which were to be assembled in the presence of one elderly person.
Once completed, each pinecone turkey was left as a thanksgiving gift
for each elderly person, except for the one that was assembled by Hanna.
Staff found and delivered Hanna's great-aunt Florence, who took the place
of her previous partner and who got to keep Hanna's pinecone turkey.
It was a magical day.
11/14/08 So Close and Yet
So far, I've done a pretty good job
bullshitting my way through
so no one needs to notice.
Actually, it has maybe more to do
with the fact that the three d's
(desperation, depression, disorientation)
seem to have become the norm around here.
Tough times, and all that.
Who do you know who doesn't struggle?
I mean, if this were the 50's
people might say I have "little spells"
like they said about Mrs. Clutter.
Truman might have given it a good 5 pages,
working up to something more interesting.
One mind shattering quietly in a dark room
has yet to make a headline. Or a plot line.
But then again, if this were the 50's,
I would have valium.
bullshitting my way through
so no one needs to notice.
Actually, it has maybe more to do
with the fact that the three d's
(desperation, depression, disorientation)
seem to have become the norm around here.
Tough times, and all that.
Who do you know who doesn't struggle?
I mean, if this were the 50's
people might say I have "little spells"
like they said about Mrs. Clutter.
Truman might have given it a good 5 pages,
working up to something more interesting.
One mind shattering quietly in a dark room
has yet to make a headline. Or a plot line.
But then again, if this were the 50's,
I would have valium.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
11/12/08 Corn Stove Time
The time keeps going
faster than I do,
and I guess I shouldn't be surprised,
after all the first snow
has already fallen
and been plowed and partially melted
and become icy and dirty
and ugly,
but I woke up on the floor
in front of the corn stove
this morning
in a pile of blankets
and children,
so I guess it's that time again.
I shouldn't be surprised.
faster than I do,
and I guess I shouldn't be surprised,
after all the first snow
has already fallen
and been plowed and partially melted
and become icy and dirty
and ugly,
but I woke up on the floor
in front of the corn stove
this morning
in a pile of blankets
and children,
so I guess it's that time again.
I shouldn't be surprised.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
11/11/08 Interactive
Do you ever get the feeling
that life is supposed to be
interactive?
Like an episode of Blues Clues,
where Steve says, "Do you see Blue?"
and you point and yell, "There!
Behind the thinking chair!"
Or like Dora the Explorer,
when Dora says, "Say backpack!"
and you say, "Backpack!"
Interactive
like that?
that life is supposed to be
interactive?
Like an episode of Blues Clues,
where Steve says, "Do you see Blue?"
and you point and yell, "There!
Behind the thinking chair!"
Or like Dora the Explorer,
when Dora says, "Say backpack!"
and you say, "Backpack!"
Interactive
like that?
11/10/08 The Fancy Coffee Girl
I went to school with the girl who works at the coffee shop.
She lived in Spain for many years,
where she collected vintage dresses
and worked for a famous caterer.
She served David Beckhams's 30th birthday dinner,
and attended lots of insane rich people parties.
I almost told her about the time I saw sandhill cranes
fly over the BMX track, or the time a baby
vomited rice all down my shirt.
Instead, I told her that I used to work
at an Applebee's in El Paso.
I usually say the wrong things,
but in this case, there really wasn't a right thing to say.
She lived in Spain for many years,
where she collected vintage dresses
and worked for a famous caterer.
She served David Beckhams's 30th birthday dinner,
and attended lots of insane rich people parties.
I almost told her about the time I saw sandhill cranes
fly over the BMX track, or the time a baby
vomited rice all down my shirt.
Instead, I told her that I used to work
at an Applebee's in El Paso.
I usually say the wrong things,
but in this case, there really wasn't a right thing to say.
11/9/08 The Better To See With
Sometimes Excedrin is like
a pair of glasses
for my brain.
On the days when
the things I look at
hurt me.
a pair of glasses
for my brain.
On the days when
the things I look at
hurt me.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
11/8/08 Of course I'm not mad...
Come on, sweetie.
How would I ever be mad
that you are strong and brave?
That is so ridiculous.
What I do feel is shame.
Shame that my life is such a mess
and instead of finding strength
I keep finding excuses
not to fix it.
Do what I need to do.
Unlike you.
Superwoman.
How would I ever be mad
that you are strong and brave?
That is so ridiculous.
What I do feel is shame.
Shame that my life is such a mess
and instead of finding strength
I keep finding excuses
not to fix it.
Do what I need to do.
Unlike you.
Superwoman.
11/7/08 Getting Buried
Getting buried in the first snow of winter
is how I'd imagine it feels to be buried alive.
Time stops.
There is a moment of panic
that is so slow
it doesn't hurt at all.
It gets harder
and harder to breathe
and you start to feel the cold
in your bones,
and then
the darkness
slowly
descends.
is how I'd imagine it feels to be buried alive.
Time stops.
There is a moment of panic
that is so slow
it doesn't hurt at all.
It gets harder
and harder to breathe
and you start to feel the cold
in your bones,
and then
the darkness
slowly
descends.
11/6/08 Paper Falling Away
I am a single piece of paper
painstakingly folded
at precise angles,
and the funny thing is
I have no idea what's inside.
I am crinkled here,
ripped and taped together there,
I am wrapped around myself.
I could have been a crane
or a box with a lid
or a pointy little boat,
but this is what I am: hiding
inside an ordinary piece of paper,
painstakingly folded
at precise angles.
painstakingly folded
at precise angles,
and the funny thing is
I have no idea what's inside.
I am crinkled here,
ripped and taped together there,
I am wrapped around myself.
I could have been a crane
or a box with a lid
or a pointy little boat,
but this is what I am: hiding
inside an ordinary piece of paper,
painstakingly folded
at precise angles.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
11/5/08 California
I suppose I invested a lot of years in not having all that.
But I'm so done now, I'm so totally done.
So you can just go live your little life
in your little world and I don't care.
That's what we all do, right?
What else is there?
But I'm so done now, I'm so totally done.
So you can just go live your little life
in your little world and I don't care.
That's what we all do, right?
What else is there?
11/4/08 What Happened Today
Some days
or even most days,
history happens.
It usually happens
in little ways
or medium little ways.
A day of illness,
a day of health,
maybe a baby gets born.
But today.
Today was Tuesday.
Voting day.
Today our country
shook off its Joe the Plumber
nightmare and woke up.
Today we get to start
the hard work
of starting over.
or even most days,
history happens.
It usually happens
in little ways
or medium little ways.
A day of illness,
a day of health,
maybe a baby gets born.
But today.
Today was Tuesday.
Voting day.
Today our country
shook off its Joe the Plumber
nightmare and woke up.
Today we get to start
the hard work
of starting over.
11/3/08 Daylight Savings My Ass
Tell me why I need to reset my internal clock
again to conform to the time fake clock construct.
Don't feed me any lines about saving electricity.
Since when do Americans inconvenience themselves
for the sake of conservation of resources.
Since never.
I'm more apt to believe the one where
keeping us in a state of confusion and disorientation
helps THEM keep US off kilter enough not to notice THEM.
But we still notice.
Even if we are a little grumpy in the morning.
So my heartfelt thanks goes out to THEM,
our nameless, faceless all-powerful rulers,
for giving us two daylight savings time adjustments
each year to remember that they are there,
ever present,
running the show,
and fucking with us
at will.
again to conform to the time fake clock construct.
Don't feed me any lines about saving electricity.
Since when do Americans inconvenience themselves
for the sake of conservation of resources.
Since never.
I'm more apt to believe the one where
keeping us in a state of confusion and disorientation
helps THEM keep US off kilter enough not to notice THEM.
But we still notice.
Even if we are a little grumpy in the morning.
So my heartfelt thanks goes out to THEM,
our nameless, faceless all-powerful rulers,
for giving us two daylight savings time adjustments
each year to remember that they are there,
ever present,
running the show,
and fucking with us
at will.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
11/2/08 Everything Turning
The wind blows and a tree becomes fire wood,
my eyes close and the dusk becomes bed time.
Clouds gather and the bright autumn is buried,
I drive by and a field flattens into Home Depot,
I am trapped somewhere in the wheel's hub
watching everything around me turning,
seeming to be the only thing that can't move.
my eyes close and the dusk becomes bed time.
Clouds gather and the bright autumn is buried,
I drive by and a field flattens into Home Depot,
I am trapped somewhere in the wheel's hub
watching everything around me turning,
seeming to be the only thing that can't move.
11/1/08 Cowboy Heaven
All that I can hope
is that when I die
and go to cowboy heaven,
the first face I see
will be Louis LaMoure
fixing me up a mess of beans.
We'll eat our fill and head out:
strap on our Winchesters,
and grab an armload of freight cars.
Maybe we'll go to James City.
Just say you'll be there, Louis,
with a big bag full of bear claw.
is that when I die
and go to cowboy heaven,
the first face I see
will be Louis LaMoure
fixing me up a mess of beans.
We'll eat our fill and head out:
strap on our Winchesters,
and grab an armload of freight cars.
Maybe we'll go to James City.
Just say you'll be there, Louis,
with a big bag full of bear claw.
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