3/31/08 Junk Mail

When I try to imagine my life without junk mail,
here's what I do:

I keep it all together until I have a big pile,
and then I take out all the business reply envelopes.

Then I stuff everything else into the envelopes
and seal them and mail them back. Postage paid.

Return to sender, baby.

3/30/08 Easy, Cowboy

He came blazing into the room
like a five alarm asshole,
saying something about
partying like it was 1999.

Someone said,
"easy, cowboy"
and someone else said,
"I think you normally wear pants under chaps."

party's over oops out of time

3/29/08 Red Water

I curl into my menstrual skirts
like a nest made out of leaves.

My hands wring out the blood
and they feel clean and strong.

Red water feeds my garden
and the trees' deep roots.

I soak down into the earth
and the cycle is complete.

3/28/08 What A Salad Is Not

I realize this may be a contentious topic,
but what is a salad exactly?

Sometimes it's easier to start the maze at Finish.
So the question becomes: what is a salad not?

A salad is not marshmallows.
A salad is not mayonnaise.
A salad is not jello.
A salad is not bacon.
A salad is not snickers.
A salad is not cool whip.

Along a similar vein, I might have said that
cheeseburgers are not soup, but I don't
want to get kicked out of North Dakota.

3/27/08 She's Overthinking Again

I can see it by the weird grimace on her face
that looks even uglier because
she is gnawing on the inside of her cheek.

She's either going to say something inappropriate
or say something mean about herself
or start up her crazy running away forever rant.

I bet she either can't find her keys, hates her hair,
or is thinking about becoming a lesbian.
Oh my god, is that me?

3/26/08 Calculate This

make no mistake
I hate reconciling my checkbook
with the paper statements that come in the mail

but online banking
is almost as bad as online dating
which is at least twice as bad as myspace
which is a close second behind blogging
and if blogging died face down in an irrigation ditch
it couldn't be worse than online jigsaw puzzles
which are only a fraction as lame as online casino games
which wish in vain that they could be wikipedia
which is the worst thing since glitter emoticons

so you see my predicament

3/25/08 Pointer Finger Sister

don't be flattered
when I jump for my love
I'm just so excited

if you point and stare
I'll just assume that
it's automatic

3/24/08 This Summer's Garden

golden bantam sweet corn
bull's blood beets

black hungarian peppers
little marvel shell peas

moon and star watermelon
and striped tomato seeds

3/23/08 Cranky

a crank
is not the same as crank
is not the same as cranky

a rank
is not the same as rank
is not the same as ranky

3/22/08 That There's Not

that there's not enough room in my house for my stuff

that there's not enough space in my head for my junk

that there's not enough apples or oranges or frozen strawberries
for the smoothie of my life

3/21/08 Spelunking

I've been thinking about the pattern I have
for discovering deep hidden fears I harbor
and then feeling like I have to
conquer them, like the time I
went spelunking in Virginia.

Ever hopeful, I still believe that someday
I will overcome my fear of sloths and raw ground beef,
of musical theater, televangelism, and drowning,
and free myself of fear forever.

Or maybe someone will tell me that life isn't
a contest of who is the least afraid.

3/20/08 Presidential Candidate Rhyme Time

Obama drama.

Edwards shred words.

Huckabee suck a tree.

Clinton spin tin.

McCain stain. (holy gag reflex)

3/19/08 Equinox Eggs

As we give thanks for the balance
of darkness and lightness
on this crappy ass dreary equinox day,
let us take a moment to consider
how many more hard boiled eggs
we will be eating in the next week
than we normally would, and also hope
that the kids find them all,
because they are perishable, after all,
and not just in a profoundly symbolic way.

3/18/08 for saint paddy's sake

plastic shamrocks
drink a beer already

it's almost time to buy toys
and crap for easter

thank you christianity
for all the super meaningful holidays

3/17/08 Come On

Is that what it was?

What did you just say?

See now I've lost the thread
and this conversation is rolling away from me
like a ball of poorly stated yarn.

3/16/08 S.O.S.

Sickening overdrinking. Saturday
sucked. Openly substandard.
Sad or scared.
Sanity obviously (un)successful.
Sloppy operation - sorry.
Sorry oops sorry.

Sorry oops sorry.

3/15/08 Not Kosher

Today I feel like
I've been pickled.

It's an interesting method
of self-preservation.

3/14/08 Scent of Softening

I smelled it the other day
strolling through the Smoothie parking lot.
A train was going by
and the sun was shining.
I was just strolling along
and it was freaking awesome.

And then I smelled it.
Thawing grass and cowpies,
Molly's farm at easter, dirt,
melting snow and water
trickling in the gutters.

Brown and green and yellow,
every color of smell.
All the smells that had been frozen
white all winter long.
A spring day.
My favorite thing.

3/13/08 Crocs

I don't know why human beings
are so profoundly obsessed with
the idea of immortality,
and although we haven't achieved it,
we've created it, haven't we?

Deliciously rubbery, plastic-y crocs.

I can't really guess at the half life
of a pair of crocs, and we'll all be dead
and gone by then, but I bet they
will make a fine archaeological find
some day.

Even those super-evolved, pinky-less,
tiny jaw-boned human-like beings
will wish they had a pair.

3/12/08 Begging the Question

Strange personal data you
never asked or cared to know:
I always get carded for cigarettes
but never for beer.

It just begs the question.
Or I'm just begging to differ.
Or I'm just begging.
Nothing new there.

3/11/08 My Excellent Comedic Timing

Looking at this from a readability standpoint
it is probably time for some funny.
Comic relief. You know, to give us all a break
from the heavy drama.

So, today I laid on the couch for an hour and a half
blowing bubbles for Ama, who was nowhere in sight.
I might have been blowing them for myself.
Or I might have been having a
bubble-related mental breakdown.

Are bubble breakdowns funny?
I'm still not sure.

3/10/08 Melancholy

as I slip out of another layer
of who I thought I was
like a snake molting her skin
it kind of feels like a wave

of salty water crashing over my head
smashing my face into the bottom
of the ocean and me hoping it will let me
back up to the surface so I can breathe

not scared, more like wondering
but mixed with melancholy
crashing over and over

3/9/08 Obviously

Obviously I am feeling
a couple of different things.

Obviously. I mean look at me.
It's either loss or relief or their bastard child.

Mostly it makes me feel like
I would love to fall asleep

and wake up when I'm not such a mess.
But obviously, I can't sleep for like fifteen years.

3/8/08 An Email to Dina

Okay, so it is complicated.
Boys are stupid.

I'm going to invent a potion -
I'm not sure what it will do,
but I'm going to invent one.

And I'll try it out on myself
and then I'll give you some.
Hopefully it will do the trick.

3/7/08 Mi Secreto

Aprendí desde hace mucho tiempo

que si quieres guardar un secreto

(de los niños, por ejemplo)

deberías decirlo en español.

En lugar de enseñar español a mis pobres hijos

(y destruir mi unica manera de guardar secretos)

prefiero entonces susurrar aquí mi unico,

bueno no mi unico pero mi peor y mas patético secreto:

que todo pero todo lo que hago en esta vida

es por accidente o coincidencia o un

desafortunada combinación de los dos.

Por favor, no digas nada.

3/6/08 Marcos My Darling

Okay, that's just over the top.

But what if I told you that I would
run away to the mountains and live
in the mud and wear a black ski mask
and sling a rifle over my shoulder?

Lots of rich white girls have told you that.

That's what happens with living legends.
It's such a fine line,
being inspired by someone
and being jealous of them.

3/5/08 So Happy

ha ha ha ha ha

Look at me laughing.

I must be so happy.

3/4/08 Empty Gesture

There are big bare patches
where the snow used to be.

This is not an empty gesture
on mother nature's part.

It's her way of saying: You made it
through another winter. Nice work.

Until it snows again, and then she says:
Ha! They fall for it every time.

3/3/08 An Email to Derrick

Question: are you interested in
local farm-fresh duck eggs?
I have a friend who all of a sudden has
too many and is looking for some buyers.

I've met these ducks
and they are some very sweet ladies.
With scrumptious almost-offspring.

Let me know - I believe a dozen is $4.00.

Feel free to decline if duck eggs aren't your thing.

They're not everybody's thing.

3/2/08 Why Not Minot?

Okay.
Or you could ask:

Why Minot?

Neither question
has very many good answers.

3/1/08 Baby Shower

What would make a group of women
that barely know each other
feel like it is socially appropriate
or in any way funny to fill
diapers with melted chocolate
and sniff them?

Well, if you can make
the mother-to-be run and
dry heave into the sink,
then you've accomplished something.
There's normally not nearly enough
dry heaving in late pregnancy.