4/30/08 I Don't.

People with jobs
get paid to go to the bathroom
and it doesn't even seem weird.

4/29/08 Lazy Pants

I feel very expansive
in these pants
that have soaked up
so many sleepy mornings

they dissolve deadlines
and they kill pain like
the 100% cotton version
of hydrocodone

and I can ignore the phone
even though I don't
really need a wardrobe-related reason
for my laziness today.
It comes naturally.

4/28/08 Five Hands

Daniel said that if you put all of his childhood birthday presents together
they wouldn't equal all the stuff Cookie got for his birthday this year.

On one hand, there's so much heavy sadness and longing in Daniel
left over from his childhood that maybe should be dealt with.

On another hand, it is interesting to always be reminded at odd times
of the ridiculous affluence and excess we live with every day.

Then there's another hand, where it should be okay to be thankful and
accept all that we have and be generous with it.

And of course, there's the hand where stuff has so little value really.

And the hand where we are safe and healthy and have full bellies and love,
which are the truest blessings and measures of affluence.

There are lots of hands.

4/27/08 letting go

Cook cried again tonight
asking me what happened to Lee

I explained about the gun but this time
I left out the word accidentally

maybe that untruth has been confusing
to his little psyche that knows so much

how can people just die he asked
and did he even get to meet me

I consoled him the best I could
I just wish I knew which of them
is having so much trouble letting go

4/26/08 On Her Way To Sleep

on her way to sleep
she holds on to her hair
and tickles herself
on the face with the loose ends

4/25/08 Quotation Marks

We "thank you" for your patronage!

The world's "best" hamburger.

Your "favorite" country radio station.

Always made with "real" cheese.

Maybe people who don't know how to use "quotation marks"
should not be in charge of "advertising."

4/24/08 Every Day

How terribly often
you have to do
something
in order for it to be
something
you do
every day
really.

4/23/08 to coffee or not to coffee

That is the question.

Whether 'tis easier to be draggy all day,
or to suck it up and grind and wash and fill
and drink and two hours from now to be
all jacked up and having a very productive day.

I just need to decide which 'tis nobler.

4/22/08 Earth Day Bang

The highlight of Earth Day for me this year
was either the man dressed up like a giant
leafy spurge that handed me a VHS video
called "How to Control Leafy Spurge"
or it was...nope, that was it.

4/21/08 Getting Old

This morning, in a moment of
painful childhood honesty,
Cookie looked at me and said,

"Mom, you look old."

And I, misunderstanding it to be
the beginning of something charming, said,

"What do you mean, honey?"

And he elaborated by saying,

"Well, you are getting a lot of wrinkles
and you look tired and I think you're
finally getting really old."

I didn't cry. Not right then.

4/20/08 Happy Daze

I could be high like a kite,
or riding the snake,
or clarifying butter
in order to bake.

How par but still lame
on this 20th day of 4,
to be unfazed and undazed,
just like almost every 420
before.

4/19/08 Go Away

I can hear birds singing as I get ready for bed.

And I love love love sleeping by myself.

So don't take it personally that I go outside for a while
before I lay down, or that I'm glad when you're gone.

4/18/08 Skate Park

Took Cookie to the skate park today
to celebrate getting his skateboard stolen
yesterday and then Dan finding it down the street.

I love skateboarders. Tough looking teenagers,
but they are infinitely patient with Cookie,
even when he heckles them when they fall,
or when he tells them why they aren't any good.

I'm just afraid that one day he'll stop being cute
and then he'll get his ass kicked.

4/17/08 Day Lilies

When the day lilies first come up
they are so green and delicious-looking,
I almost want to eat them.
But I try not to eat them.

4/16/08 The Cement Truck

Whenever I look at myself and wonder
how I got here or why I turned out this way,
it usually comes back to that time
I didn't steal the cement truck.

I wanted to do it so bad.
It was running and the driver's side door
was wide open. It would have been easy
and I stood there in the rain for 15 minutes
imagining it but I just couldn't do it.

What a funny reason to go to jail
that might have been.
I totally blew it.
No wonder I'm so lame.

4/15/08 RRL hearts MJ

Got the new 25th anniversary
special edition Thriller CD and
can't stop listening to it. Can't. Stop.
(till I get enough?)

It has remixes.
And a photographic chronicle
of all of MJ's early plastic surgeries.

And a DVD with the videos.
They are sort of bad. By bad I mean dated.
The remixes are bad, too.
Not dated. Just bad.

4/14/08 Unnecessary Multitasking

The other day Eric called
and said whatcha doin
(he talks weird) and then there was
this really bright flash of light

as I realized that I was
eating lunch and doing the dishes
at the same time. For no reason.
I was unnecessarily multitasking.

And I have had similar flashes of light
since that day, like the time it occurred
to me that I maybe don't need to scrub
the toilet while I'm on the phone.

I think I am just in the habit of being busy.
Maybe even of feeling overwhelmed.
Maybe I'm not really busy or overwhelmed.
But I'm not going to let that stop me.

4/13/08 Let's Reminisce

Do you remember that one time
(and the only reason I ask is that I wrote it down)
(otherwise I most likely wouldn't)
when the ants infiltrated the house
and you sprayed them to a crisp
and I got my period and had to go to the bathroom
in the middle of the night and it was
a very toxic crunchy walk?
Good times.

4/12/08 Love It. Hate It.

Sugar. Splenda.

Flappers. Gangsters.

Sleeping children. That sandwich I ate in Fargo.

Airplanes. Running through airports.

Mountain lions that live on the prairie. People that shoot them.

Laughing. Forgetting people's names.

Monopoly. Monopoly.

4/11/08 Volunteer Board

Is it smart
to be on a volunteer board?
Or is it very dumb?

It's like a job
only without any money.
Which kind of flies in the face
of the reward system
we've got in place
that makes everybody do stuff
they wouldn't otherwise do.

But the fact that
there are volunteer boards
means that people still do stuff
because it is meaningful.

Beyond money.
Maybe not smart.
But definitely reassuring.

4/10/08 How Scary Am I?

Turn Back! Save Yourself!
might be what the signs say
as you approach my house.

If you could get your hands on a map
of this neighborhood circa 1600,
it might be marked with a
Here Thar Be Witches!
or Dragons!
or Pagans!
or Bitches!
Aaaarrrrggghhhh!
(or Pirates!)

That's how scary I am.

4/9/08 Disco Body Image Collision

All pantsuits and joking aside,
there's nothing like a large amount
(but somehow not quite enough)
of shimmery spandex to bring out
your body issues.

But you know what they say:
fashion hurts.
If you're doing it right.

4/8/08 Fun with Migraines

1 shift at Smoothie
1 mild hangover
9 hours of lying in bed but not sleeping
2 Excedrin migraine capsules
1 bottle of Coca Cola

Mix Smoothie shift and mild hangover until fully blended.

Slowly add the hours of lying in bed but not sleeping
until the mixture is the right consistency - should be jagged and
lightly nauseated. Moisten if too painful (with tears).

Let sit until morning. At dawn add the Excedrin migraine
capsules and wash down with Coca Cola. Simmer. Then go to work.

4/7/08 Pinwheels for Prevention

Hundreds of blue pinwheels spinning on the courthouse lawn
can't prevent child abuse as effectively as
changing our country's foreign policy.

We're not dumb. We've learned that the best way to get somebody
to do something is to beat the shit out of them.
May I suggest:

Pinwheels for Peaceful International Diplomacy

4/6/08 Oh crap.

So the diapers.

The disposable ones go in the landfill.
Bad.

The cloth ones get hand washed in the toilet.
Very bad.

I wish there was one more choice.

4/5/08 Coffee

getting jacked up on
drive through fat free
fair trade double brew roasted
hot shade grown cinnamon almond
whipped cream organic bean vanilla
naturally caffeinated soy oh and so
tasty

4/4/08 Gobama (and Hillary)

Did a ten-hour driving extravaganza yesterday
to see Obama speak in Grand Forks (and Hillary).

Through what combination of complacency and avarice
have we Americans earned the chance to have
a presidential candidate as great as Obama (and Hillary)?

I think I'm in love with Barack Obama (and Hillary).

4/3/08 Win Win

When I drive with Tracy
it's a win win situation.

She gains a personal satisfaction
from knowing exactly where to go
and telling me exactly where to go,

and I have a competent co-pi, so that
I never get turned around the wrong way,
and I don't have to think.

Win win is a million times better setup
than win lose or lose win or lose lose -
I wish it always worked out this way.

4/2/08 Carabiner

I love carabiners,
but I can't decide
which I like more:

the actual carabiner
or the word carabiner.

So I will just sit here and luxuriate
in the question, all the while getting
to say carabiner over and over.

I do this with the word tarmac, too.
Like hey, why are you sitting on the tar, mac?

4/1/08 Train Wreck

Things are pretty rough right now, actually
my life is a complete train wreck,
and my heart is a complete train wreck.
If I rode on a train right now,
I would probably be involved in a train wreck.

A general state of derailment.

Like full-on cross-country Empire Builder-level.
Like you're sitting in the observation car
with a seven dollar turkey sandwich
watching Over The Hedge and then suddenly
screech tumble tumble smash into the trees-level.